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So we're all having a barbecue...

Talk about Contests and games

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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby DGO on Sun Jan 28, 2007 1:10 pm

DGO and FuMo confer on this devious plot for a while before agreeing that they will wait until winter in Oz and Summer in the northern hemisphere. Partly, this is because the weather is nice and warm at the moment down here, partly because the breweries are at full production right now down here, partly because they are both pretty pissed at the moment but mainly because they can't find the oars and can't figure out how to leave John Howard behind.

Meanwhile the preparations for the jelly wrestling are going on unabated. DGO however watches these preparations with fascination 'cause he knows that Lovely Lady and Special Lady are only fighting to be next in line for suntan lotion application by himself.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Chaparral on Tue Jan 30, 2007 3:57 am

Yippy Kiyay muther.......r - KABOOM............oh geez who let John McLean (aka Bruce Willis) back in - hes just destroyed the bloody bbq with a US army issue tank buster grenade launcher - look at the mess - those steaks are well and truly done now!

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh grasshopper spare a thought for poor DGO he had all his lotion stacked under the bbq which given its chemical qualities had the same efect as napalm - just love that smell in the morning!
Luckily for him the whiskey survived - it would have been a tragic site to see a grown man cry a river of tears if such misfortune had struck in that area.
Meanwhile the jelly wrestling contest is about to begin when......................it can't be , no he's been dead for years (well at least his acting has), I can't believe this..........stay tuned next week children, same time, same shaolin channel for more exciting adventures.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby IanK on Tue Jan 30, 2007 4:20 am

...

*head explodes*
f1datavis wrote:Alonso looking god-like right now.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby DGO on Tue Jan 30, 2007 2:42 pm

Being Aussies, we are of course resourceful and in no time flat FuMo and DGO have a new BBQ rigged up and some new steaks sizzling away. Sinister is sitting cross-eyed from concussion and the Pup is still flat on the ground (well, the case of cognac anyway - that Pup knows his priorities) with his front paws well and truly over his head.

The girls have stopped fighting over who gets the suntan lotion applied by DGO first and are now fighting over who DGO gets to put his wonderfully cool hands over first. The comment "bugger the lotion" was heard. DGO scratches his keg that was once a six-pack, slots two new whiskey bottles into his hat, adjusts the straw and waits patiently.

Missy is, of course, oblivious to the blast as she is so intend on scolding Nev with a look (Damn, nothing breaks the attention of a female who is pissed off at her bloke!). The Bean meanwhile is now taking on all comers at poker after winning all Nev's money (and Dev's, and Paul's, and Sinister's, and FuMo's etc etc)

IanK has found that his head hasn't exploded and on discovering this clocks the Mad Monk over the head with a piece of the old BBQ plate and then sets off after Bruce Willis to see how he'll look with a single piercing - right through his friggin' head. Dev sets out after Bruce Willis to see if he would like to have a drink and chat about a few things - like how he feels about flamingoes - at his place of course. One thing is guaranteed - if Iank doesn't sink Bruce Willis with the piercing, Dev will scare the hell out him. If the rest of us are lucky, both things will happen.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Lyria on Tue Jan 30, 2007 6:24 pm

Lyria (never backwards in coming forwards) screams loudly that DGO's cold hands belong to her and threatens to flatten anyone who thinks differently before going and getting hold of him, plying him with his favourite bottle of whiskey that she bought especially for the occasion.

IanK, being fitter than Dev, is ahead in the race to catch Bruce Williw but even he is losing him and gives up returning to the BBQ with his tales of how I nearly caught Bruce Willis and if I had.....

Sinister waits for his eyes to uncross by themselves, which they eventually do and he's disappointed that when they do half the food he ws ogling is gone.

FuMo offers his cool soft dish washing hands to the other ladies who then fight over him as the others watch taking bets on who will win.

Nev, trying to atone for his earlier beahaviour, asks for donations to the fund for Paul who has had to have his back fixed. Nev prises a bottle of whiskey from DGO's grasp with the aid of half melted sun lotion. DGO's howling awakens the Pup who joins in loudly until someone throws a shoe at him. Finding it wasn't him making most of the noise the other is aimed at DGO's head and when it misses lcw goes over and explains the fine art of shoe throwing to Dev, the shoe thrower.

Poor Chaparral is then locked in a cupboard somewhere for his own safety because the others can't believe what he's getting up to,but that's another story ;)
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Dev on Tue Jan 30, 2007 11:34 pm

What people didnt realize (and the circumstances behind it are rather hazy) is that Chapparal is locked in the closet 'acting' improperly with Sin. Some strange grunting sounds could be heard...

Suddenly, Bruce Willis re-appears and heads straight to the closet...
Alcohol isn't a problem, it's a solution... Just ask any chemist.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Chaparral on Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:41 pm

Yes a devious plan being hatched by Sin and Chap ugh ugh ugh .... ok Sin do you reckon that roll of malthoid is rolled tight enough - ok lets grab that bastard Dev and whack it up his butt - a new delicacy Dev on a stick!!! 'I'm not a bastard Dev cries I know my father!!' - and yes the truth comes out Devs father is actually John McLean (aka Bruce Willis) once removed of course - it was a artificial insemination job - but who was Devs mother - oh my god it was that world reknowned performer Devine!!!!!!!!!! theres a chilled silence all round and its not because of the shocking knowledge of Devs family tree thats finally come to light its....................Caine - he re-enters the bbq carrying Lock & Load boy whos rendered himself unconscious from the kick back of the 357 Magnum (the gun not the champagne) - DGO being skilled in the art of Aussie resuscitation pours a wee 1 litre dram of Mickey McLagens Mudgee Whiskey down his gills till the colour returns to the face of Lock & Load - phew thanks DGO nearly a goner there - I owe you one.

Meanwhile Nev is trying to nick DGOs lotion - for god sake Nev dont light a match near it!!! yes thats right the lotion - 'surfboards, choppers, 'this is the end' The Doors playing mournfully in the background - wow that takes me back' - snap out of it Nev and give me those bloody matches.

Wheres Paul?? he not back from Orienteering yet??

OK enough excitement for the day - or so we thought.................tune in children same time same shaolin channel next week to see a diabolical plan hatch.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby DGO on Wed Jan 31, 2007 2:11 pm

Of course what was really going on in the closet was Cahp was trying to take his medication which was mistaken for normal food by Sin. In the fight over Chap's mental health necessities and Sin's appetite the monkey won. As a result the Mad Monk was let loose with more wierd fantasies.

Upon entering the closet of course Bruce Willis was confronted by Sin frothing at the mouth and again cross-eyed after consuming all of Chap's pills. This naturally sent Bruce Willis off again in a screaming fit - more so than when Dev caught up with him before. Somehow Dev didn't get the message that Bruce Willis offered of "you're very kind and that is flattering, but I'm really not interested in flamingoes."

Indisputable evidence of Chaps fantasies is the notion that DGO would offer some whiskey to anyone - even if it was needed to save the life of a figment of another's imagination. It ain't gonna happen.

Nev did however, get the remnants of the suntan lotion and is vigourously applying it to Missy's shoulders - well she did not bring a bathing suit and is too much of a lady to go 'au naturale'. Nev is heard to be saying "Yes dear" quite a lot at the moment.

Gracious Lady has corralled DGO (and his cool hands) and continues to ply him with some outstanding single malts while his hands work their magic for her. Lovely Lady and Special Lady are no longer fighting but are checking each bloke in turn to see who has the coolest hands - the guys have, of course, formed an orderly queue (well, the Brits anyway - they are so used to queueing) while the Aussies and Kiwis snap the tops off more beer bottles and nod wisely as each Englishman in turn is rejected by the two lovely ladies. Yes folks, the English team are well and truly off their game at the moment.

Dev is sitting on the ground next to the Pup now trying to describe his adventures with Bruce Willis while the Pup sips appreciatively at the cognac. Gugs has gone back to arguing with the fencepost because he really didn't like the abuse he got from the dead kangaroo.

FuMo meantime shakes his head and uses the BBQ fork and tongs to get the Mad Monk (aka Chap) back into the straightjacket. Nicely, of course.
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Nev on Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:06 am

In a drunken stupour, DGO decides he's going to amuse everyone by lighting his flatulence. Unfortunately, and unprecedentedly, his fart turns out to be somewhat liquidy - I believe the medical term is "a rusty piss" - and it goes onto the barbecue. The guests are all disgusted. Except for Dev, who seems to be strangely curious...

Meanwhile, Bruce Willis is trying to convince Chapparal to put his spliff down, since he's had enough already. FuMo has had enough of Bruce, and duly kicks his head in. All the girls look at FuMo in a new light...
Jesus must have been black - he called everyone "brother," enjoyed gospel and didn't get a fair trial.

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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Chaparral on Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:59 am

Jammin I'm jammin an jammin an jammin....buffalo soldier in the heart of america oy yoy yoy ei oy yoy yoy yoy ... here ya go mon...chappy mon don smoke all at once mon ok?
Ok Bob will use sparingly - as he hands the hooch to the not so mad monk who madly mixes up some after lunch treats in the form of muffins complete with erbs!

Dev get yur nose outa there for gods sake - go look after yur father MoFu has decked the old man and he aint lookin too healthy........MoFu is now fighting the girls off as they struggle to gain his attention...........and no that isnt a gun in his pocket girls he's just glad.....

Sins recovered from accidentally medicating on what turns out to be DGOs new pills not Chaps - seems DGO forgot to tell us that and straightjackets are of no use on chaps seeing his great grandfather was Harry Houdini - just dont stick him in water at the same time!

Lock & Load old son hows the headache - try one of these muffins - seems the steaks are stuffed so may as well eat something..........

Remember children - tune in same time, same shaolin channel next week for??????????
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby DGO on Thu Feb 01, 2007 1:52 pm

Obviously Nev has been sniffing the suntan lotion because DGO would never think of lighting his own farts - it's just too.....ungentlemanly. Besides, his hands are too busy with Gracious Lady. Clearly the fartlighter is Sin. Pity about the BBQ though.

DGO obviously should have warned Nev about the vapours from the suntan lotion he uses on the girls. With females of the species the effect is soothing leading to contentment and happiness. With males the effect is to create mania and visions - which is actually quite nice at times but can lead to certain 'situations' in public.

Having heard this explanation IanK is now wrestling with Nev to get hold of the suntan lotion.

FuMo meanwhile basks in his new celebrity as the man who kinghit Bruce Willis and the girls leave the queue of blokes to feel FuMo's "muscles".

The Pup is oblivious to Dev's tales as he continues to lap up the cognac from the bowl thoughtfully provided by Missy who not only loves little children but also, it appears, pups.

Paul has decided he would like to tour Wales one day. Everyone stares at Paul in wonderment before someone pipes up and states that Paul has been there so many times that he really wouldn't need to take a tour. Paul points out that as he didn't KNOW he was there on these previous ocassions that they don't count so he really hasn't toured the place yet - he was too involved in trying to get out of it to actually appreciate it's mystic qualities. Such mystic qualities as freezing to death atop the Brecon Beacons, bumping your head while running away from the Tom Jones music played down t mines and other such rustic delights.

At this moment DGO realises that they were not HIS pills that Sin mistook for food. DGO actually left his pills at home by accident - well sort of - the bag was too friggin heavy to lift. Unlike the four cases of whiskey which were a very simple lift with one hand.

The girls are still gathered around FuMo, except for Gracious Lady who has now turned over to have DGO do the other side, and FuMo fails to realise that his music has finished. He's somewhat preoccupied.

Gugs meanwhile, convinced he has won his argument with the fencepost moves on to argue about hinge engineering with the gate unaware that the gate is also an inanimate object.

Twilight starts to fall over our happy little BBQ scene. Who knows what the evening shall bring..........
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Lyria on Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:25 pm

As the sun slips quietly behind the horizon for a few hours the fireworks begin, not actual fireworks of course, the kind where people create friction and fights begin.

First DGO spots someone drinking his whiskey and after screaming like a girl he runs after them yelling about entrails and so on and how he was going to be pulling them out :)

Lyria is left lying on the sunlounger saying up a bit DGO, DGO? Are you still there? DGO!!!!!!
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Nev on Fri Feb 02, 2007 2:36 am

Lyria looks up and sees that DGO is also besotted by FuMo's manliness and is also trying to feel his muscles. But, unlike the ladies, he is only checking out his biceps.

In a rush of testosterone brought on by the female attention (and, curiously, that of DGO, which is a feeling he hasn't felt since that time he stayed at a youth hostel and shared a dorm with a hairdresser called Justin), FuMo challenges anyone there to an arm wrestle. Dev takes up the challenge, and loses dismally. "you should have done better than that, boyo," says Paul, who instantly realises he has spent far too long in Wales.

DGO is next up. As they clasp hands, FuMo experiences that feeling again...

Ian kicks Nev in the nads for ruining the bottle of lotion. Nev is not impressed with this, and says that he's going to get his mum onto him. Ian does not believe him. Little does he know...
Jesus must have been black - he called everyone "brother," enjoyed gospel and didn't get a fair trial.

Why is it that if a man talks dirty to a girl it's sexual harassment, but if a girl talks dirty to a man it's £1 per minute?
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby DGO on Fri Feb 02, 2007 2:39 pm

I'm still here Gracious Lady! Never fear, but if I had biceps like FuMo I could keep rubbing my hands over you for a long, long time without need to take a break. That and if I didn't need to change the whiskey bottles in me hat. I also had to make sure the whiskey stash was properly guarded - it could be a long night.

First event of the night is DGO beating FuMo in the arm wrestle through a clever combination of a very large wager, a very deep draught of whiskey, and breathing whiskey breath over FuMo just as the match begins. FuMo claims foul - which is partly true in respect of the whiskey breath he has had to inhale - but all is fair in arm wrestling. There is something to be said for observation of one's likely opponent. DGO staggers away with a large wad of cash only to lose it to the Bean at friggin' poker a couple of hours later. DGO wishes he'd watched the Bean playing cards.

After his hands get a break they naturally find their own way back to Gracious Lady and start melting her tensions away.

Meanwhile IanK and Nev are sitting down comparing stilletto wounds they received from the girls. The Pup is fascinated by the fire he has created and watches avidly while taking quiet sips from the bowl of cognac beside him.

Mike has finally arrived - late as usual. He complains he was making a kitchen at the utterance of which word Sin's eyes uncross and he goes searching for something to eat. Dev is close behind - but not too close. He has been blasted by Sin's farts before.

FuMo now takes on Nev at arm-wrestling. The match starts off well with a reasonably even contest. Unfortunately Nev has to abandon the match for reasons of "force majeure". (Missy has got comfortable and is engaging in a quiet chat with the girls who are no longer fighting and advises Nev that the Bean needs changing.) Seeing a chance to get his money back Nev apologises to FuMo and bets the Bean that he (Nev) can change him (the Bean) inside one minute.

After losing the bet with the Bean, Nev grabs a beer and goes back to comparing stilletto wounds with IanK who has passed out from too many beers - and blood loss from too many bad piercings.

Night draws ever closer on this endearing little scene as Mike goes in search of something to eat and drink.................
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Re: So we're all having a barbecue...

Postby Nev on Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:51 am

In light of all his winnings, The Bean offers to go to the offie to get some more beers in. Everyone tells him that there's no chance of him getting served, bearing in mind his age. Everyone bets him all of their money (minus the beer stash) that it just won't happen. Twenty minutes later, The Bean is collecting his winnings and distributing the beer to people. He is already planning what toys to buy with his stash, and which nursery teachers he can "employ" with his money, as well as thinking about where he can buy a pimp coat.
Jesus must have been black - he called everyone "brother," enjoyed gospel and didn't get a fair trial.

Why is it that if a man talks dirty to a girl it's sexual harassment, but if a girl talks dirty to a man it's £1 per minute?
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